The
Ketchup Bottle Skit
Setting:
Table and two chairs
Two
people are sitting at a table, one is trying to eat, the other is
tearing the
label from a ketchup bottle.
A is
eating with a fork and knife and looks up and sees what B is doing. A
tries to
continue eating, but is annoyed by B. Finally, A has had enough.
A:
Do you have to do that!!!!!??
B:
Do what? What am I doing? This?
A:
Yes, THAT! (points to the bottle and torn off label) Do you have to
scrape the
label off the ketchup bottle?
B:
Why?
A:
Because it is annoying, that's why!
B:
But it's only a label.
A:
That's not the point. It's annoying!
B:
What's annoying about it?
A:
Your fingers, scratching, and the way you stare off into space, like
you're on
drugs or something!
B:
You're nuts, you know that?
A:
I'm nuts? I'M NUTS? You sit there scraping the glue off a ketchup
bottle for
fun and I'm nuts?
You
do it just to annoy me don't you? You know I like to keep things nice,
and you
just make a mess tho annoy me.
B:
Why is it that everything I do bugs you?
A:
That's not true.
B:
Yes it is, you always have something to say about everything I do. For
example,
the way I use my napkin.
A:
The way you DON'T use you napkin!
B:
My sniffles...
A:
Your snorting!
B:
There's always something you're complaining about. Everything I do bugs
you.
A:
That's not true. Don't be ridiculous.
B:
Why can't you just accept me the way I am?
A:
We are what we do and you don't have to be a pig!
B:
So, now I'm a pig?
A: I
didn't say you ARE one, I said you
don't have to be one!
B:
Are you so perfect? All you ever do is
complain.
A:
It's not complaining. It's constructive criticism. I'm just trying to
help.
B:
Help?
A:
Yeah, I'm just looking out for your welfare, your best interests.
B: I
think I'm old enough to take care of myself, thank you very much!
A:
Well, you're not old enough to sit still at the table!!
B: I
was perfectly fine at the table. You're the one that started making a
fuss. I
was minding my own business..
A:
Tearing the label off a ketchup bottle, how childish...
B:
"Unless you become as little children..."
A:
Don't quote the bible to me, and anyhow, that's not what that means.
B:
How do you know what it means? Are you a priest or something?
A:
You don't have to be a priest to know what that means!!
B:
OH, pardon me, Mr. Bible Scholar, Mr. I Know Everything About God...
A:
Listen to yourself, you....
B:
...Oh, get over it!
A: I
won't get over it! There's no need to live like you do!
B:
Well, there's no need for you to tell me how to live. I'm trying to
lead a
decent life.
A:
What's life got to do with a ketchup bottle?
B:
That's what I want to know.
A:
It's not the bottle, it's the label!!! You know what I mean.
B:
No, I don't know what you mean, and I don't think you do either.
A:
Look at the mess you made!! Look at the bottle!!
B:
What have I done?
A:
It has no label. How are you supposed to know what is in there?
B:
Whadda ya mean what's in there...it's ketchup!
A:
But you took off the label!
B:
SO, it's still KETCHUP.
A:
How am I supposed to know that?
B:
Any moron can see that it's ketchup.
A:
Oh, so I'm a moron!
B: I
didn't say you were a moron, I said it's obvious it's ketchup.
A:
It could be anything in there, like hot Tabasco sauce!
B:
Let me stick my finger in the bottle to make sure it's ketchup.
A:
Don't do that! That's disgusting!!
B:
But you want to be sure it's ketchup, right?
A:
AHHHHHHH!
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