The Ketchup Bottle Skit
Setting: Table and two chairs
Two people are sitting at a table, one is trying to eat, the other is tearing the label from a ketchup bottle.
A is eating with a fork and knife and looks up and sees what B is doing. A tries to continue eating, but is annoyed by B. Finally, A has had enough.
A: Do you have to do that!!!!!??
B: Do what? What am I doing? This?
A: Yes, THAT! (points to the bottle and torn off label) Do you have to scrape the label off the ketchup bottle?
B: Why?
A: Because it is annoying, that's why!
B: But it's only a label.
A: That's not the point. It's annoying!
B: What's annoying about it?
A: Your fingers, scratching, and the way you stare off into space, like you're on drugs or something!
B: You're nuts, you know that?
A: I'm nuts? I'M NUTS? You sit there scraping the glue off a ketchup bottle for fun and I'm nuts?
You do it just to annoy me don't you? You know I like to keep things nice, and you just make a mess tho annoy me.
B: Why is it that everything I do bugs you?
A: That's not true.
B: Yes it is, you always have something to say about everything I do. For example, the way I use my napkin.
A: The way you DON'T use you napkin!
B: My sniffles...
A: Your snorting!
B: There's always something you're complaining about. Everything I do bugs you.
A: That's not true. Don't be ridiculous.
B: Why can't you just accept me the way I am?
A: We are what we do and you don't have to be a pig!
B: So, now I'm a pig?
A: I didn't say you ARE one, I said you don't have to be one!
B: Are you so perfect?  All you ever do is complain.
A: It's not complaining. It's constructive criticism. I'm just trying to help.
B: Help?
A: Yeah, I'm just looking out for your welfare, your best interests.
B: I think I'm old enough to take care of myself, thank you very much!
A: Well, you're not old enough to sit still at the table!!
B: I was perfectly fine at the table. You're the one that started making a fuss. I was minding my own business..
A: Tearing the label off a ketchup bottle, how childish...
B: "Unless you become as little children..."
A: Don't quote the bible to me, and anyhow, that's not what that means.
B: How do you know what it means? Are you a priest or something?
A: You don't have to be a priest to know what that means!!
B: OH, pardon me, Mr. Bible Scholar, Mr. I Know Everything About God...
A: Listen to yourself,  you....
B: ...Oh, get over it!
A: I won't get over it! There's no need to live like you do!
B: Well, there's no need for you to tell me how to live. I'm trying to lead a decent life.
A: What's life got to do with a ketchup bottle?
B: That's what I want to know.
A: It's not the bottle, it's the label!!! You know what I mean.
B: No, I don't know what you mean, and I don't think you do either.
A: Look at the mess you made!! Look at the bottle!!
B: What have I done?
A: It has no label. How are you supposed to know what is in there?
B: Whadda ya mean what's in's ketchup!
A: But you took off the label!
B: SO, it's still KETCHUP.
A: How am I supposed to know that?
B: Any moron can see that it's ketchup.
A: Oh, so I'm a moron!
B: I didn't say you were a moron, I said it's obvious it's ketchup.
A: It could be anything in there, like hot Tabasco sauce!
B: Let me stick my finger in the bottle to make sure it's ketchup.
A: Don't do that! That's disgusting!!
B: But you want to be sure it's ketchup, right?